(5 whispers | haunting melody) [29 Jan 2006|08:39am] [ mood | crushed ] Alas. I know I have been slacking off again but I've been busy with school work and exams and finally I can breathe. Well, after the talent show I can breathe. I don't know if I want to do it anymore. I don't really want to see him. Oh, yeah, we seperated. And it really hurts. It was okay when it happened..like I was okay. I was strong, really sturdy..and now I'm falling to pieces. I really really liked him. I loved him. And now I'm empty inside once again. I can't look at a picture of him anymore and the fact that I sit next to him at lunch makes it worse. Because he's going to be there. I'm going to miss everything about him but..I can't show him that its bothering me this bad. I just have to avoid him for a little while. Tch. I only have today and tomorrow till I see him on Tuesday. Not to mention he's in the band with us. I don't hate him; I never could but just for the sake of my own sanity I can't be too close to him otherwie I'll break. I don't know what to do now. I bought a dress for his prom, but I can always use that for something else..and then my prom is an utter question. I don't even care to go anymore. I really don't. I just want to graduate..I want to move on and leave this place so I can start over again from scratch. God. I think I'm okay and when something that reminds me of him is there, downpour the tears. God damn senior year isn't supposed to suck!!!!

(1 whisper | haunting melody) [17 Jan 2006|09:14pm] [ mood | tired ] Saturday and Sunday was just staying in and working on regaining my weight. When I went to the dcotor's they said I needed to gain about 10-15 pounds to be at a healthy weight for my age and height. e.e So I'm working on it. It's a lot of work..and I haven't gained anything back yet or from the last time I checked. Meh. Oh well. I'll see how I am come Saturday since that's my offical weigh day each week. Monday was killer. I hung out with Rich and we went to the terminal and I had my fucking awesome sushi man. SUSHI. SUUUUSHIIIIIIIIIII...XD Okay. But yeah then we went to the Asian market afterwards and I got pocky. They only had the basic kind and decore makes me kinda sick from all the frosting despite it being white chocolate. I want to try banana, pumpkin or this new soy nuts coated kind. Sounds rather yummy yummy. Gia said she tried to reach me but I didn't get a phone call, message, nor anything by her on my phone. I miss her and yet I don't think I'd be able to see her any time this week since I gotta be praticing for the talent show. I didn't do didly shit yet but I'm gonna start tomorrow with Nuvi. Its just that school work comes first, you know? I'm just afraid that I won't be able to do it in time. I have about two weeks I think..well..maybe I will. I hope so anyway. Otakon is so happening - I wanna freak out. e.e I get to go to Otakon again..wee..happiness. Nothing spectacular happened today..so nothing really to report. Just, guitar pratice tomorrow...and uh..Friday. And Saturday..and Sunday. Le sigh. I don't wanna really do it anymore but eh, oh well.

(haunting melody) [14 Jan 2006|05:26pm] [ mood | drained ] Five hours on math homework..that's crazy e.o

(4 whispers | haunting melody) [13 Jan 2006|08:42pm] [ mood | tired ] Whew. What a week and I'm so glad its over. I went to school Monday..felt horrible and stayed home on Tuesday. Then dragged myself in on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. But I'm alive..finally feeling alot better, too..Finally. Nothing much really went on though minus a few stupid things in school but there's a few things that are actually worth mentioning. One, I'm actually passing math I believe..I think anyway..dunno - not really sure, but I think I might be. My grades I got back so far have been passing so as long as they are passing, I'm satisfied. Otakon is a definate for sure now. I have Rich all psyched XD If we can't get a ride though, bus it dude - bus it. I'm doing Seras since Rob more than likely will go too and he's mah Alucard. Then I'll also cosplay Akabane for Rich who's cosplaying Ginji. And Van might be coming too. My anime lackies. ^o^ Hopefully Kimmy will come too - I think it would be awesome. And if there's about 8 people per two double bedded rooms. Its 50 per person plus entrance fee, which is 35. So it would be roughly $85 bucks in total each would spend on going to Otakon which isn't that expensive at all. If anyone else wants to go though, with me, please tell me so we can replan and if more people cram into the rooms..secretly..it'll work. Monday, Rich and I are gonna have like..dunno an anime bash at the gallery/terminal again XD. I'm gonna gather some things for Seras and be all anime decked out. He's gonna get some Ginji stuff together and buy some manga too. Maybe I'll start collecting Hellsing stuffie.. I also need some Rob time. -Sobs.- I miss my gladiator ._. Oh and a final note thing..I GOT FUCKING ACCEPTED INTO THE CULINARY ARTS INSTITUTE! HELL YEAH BITCH! ...That's all XD

(3 whispers | haunting melody) [06 Jan 2006|10:02am] [ mood | okay ] I'm alive..really. So tired though but that's due to the antibiotics of course. I have, basically, what the doctor said was a viral infection in my stomach which is a type of stomach flu, but not really. It makes sense though since I'm vomiting and have really bad stomach pains. And fever..blah..not to mention that the pills make it worse ^^ and it lasts/can last up to ten days. I broke down on Rob yesterday and he cursed himself out for being so helpless because he wants to do something but doesn't know what to do. I..wouldn't know where to start on telling him what to do. He said after I'm better though we'll stay out as long as I like and be together just the two of us ^^! He's not afraid to say "I love you" either <3.<3 I'm just really happy that I"m with him. It's been four months, now. Four months. Nothing much else really going on except for the fact that I have shitloads of homework to do which I shall occupy myself with over the next few days I suppose. Though if I feel better by Sunday, I *might* consider going out since I need to breathe fresh air. Plus my new coat would be coming in soon and that'd keep me warm. I'm bored. Therefore, I'm changing my hair color again..lol - right? AGAIN! But this was the number one reason why I hate red hair - it bleeds and fades like a quick mother fucker and it pisses me off. With black hair, it doesn't. SO. I'm dying my hair black again. That only lasted - what, half a school year? Heh. But I'm gonna go with the Rogue look. Like my front bangs are gonna be like pure fucking platnium white. Or I'm gonna bleach it to that point. Yes, wait till my hair falls out and then I'll be sorry. But at least I'll match my nails. -Blink.- Uhm. I guess that's really it. Oh, wait. Rich asked if I wanted to go to the terminal again with him. I was rather shocked when he did ask me and he also said he'd call me today, too. Weird. My mom says he's maturing and I guess he is. -Shrugs.- Oh well. Blah blah..I'm going to screw around on myspace and make a new character. I've gotten into RPing again. Yay. It amuses me so. Keeps up my writings skills. Even half drugged my mom says I write good XD Which is posted below. ( Blaring Metamorphosis )

(haunting melody) [04 Jan 2006|11:50am] [ mood | cranky ] -Sigh- It's like every other week I contract a new ailment that restricts me from leaving my house and missing school. I'm home sick with a baterical infection, which means vomit..fever..fun stuff. Well, okay thank God I've been able to contain my food so far. I got sick Monday night or well I wasn't really feeling too good in the morning but I did math for five hours and then come nightfall I was sipping some soda when I had to run to the bathroom and empied my stomach of everything - not once - but try five times. My mom was scared shitliss, as was I, and so I just passed out on the couch after. When I woke up an hou later I ate some bread then went to bed. e.e..Dude. I got some antibiotics that totally drain me of my energy but its okay since I just sleep it off. I slept too early last night and a little bit earlier so I'm not really tired now, but I might crash a little later or something. I'm not one to sleep for too long. Well allow me to highlight what had occured New Years. I went to the parade..ended up watching it with Rob at his house..everyone was like bleh XD kinda funny but still ready to go drinking on 2nd street which we did later. I saw Gia there but I was kinda out of it since I was tipsy when I saw her..I think she was too. Apparently brandy is too strong for me. Well..it was 70% and I had a shot then finished off the other shot remaining in Rob's flask..XD Flask..cute. Ooh that gives me an idea..-Makes note.- But, anyway then had a sip of beer which I knew I shouldn't since beer upsets me. I can drink straight liquor but beer makes me want to vomit..Apparently I have sophisocated tastes? Eh, whatever. I came home, crashed, and ta da! Okay..now the deep stuff I learned. One, Rob really did change his lunch in the beginning of the year so he can have 4th period lunch with me. I thought he was serious about the doctor's note but he made his mom get it. -Blank stare.- Two, Theresa told me that he really likes me and he would never cheat on me since he knows what its like..this was after I told her how much I kinda went through before Rob. She said, if by any chance he'd even consider it, she'd hate him forever because she loves me. T-T Happiness. I'm really glad that everyone is getting along with everyone..minus my father because he's literally mental like that. But my mom loves Rob since she nicknamed him XD And its just about four months. FOUR! -Happy sigh.- Now..my mom wants me to stay home tomorrow..e.e..since I still have a high fever and I really didn't start taking these pills till today since we got them so late yesterday. So I'm gonna drag myself in on Friday. God, I don't even remember Tuesday at all e.e It seems like a blur. All I remember was RPing with Rachel and that was it. Sheesh. But uh yeah. And then I gotta finish math and makeup other homework..fun stuff. I always have to fucking make up work. This is disgusting. Man I hate my weak immune system ~~ Fuck you white blood cells.

(2 whispers | haunting melody) [01 Jan 2006|06:44am] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Ole by the Bouncing Spirits ] So...I went. And I'm so fucking happy that I did. As soon as Rob called while I was laying in bed crying, I heard his worried voice..his voice that made me realize even if I felt really crappy..despite pills making me feel a little bit better, I needed to get away from the source of all my aggrevation - my house. So I called him back, told him I was coming and then got dressed. As soon as Danny pulled up with Rob in the car and as soon as hearing Danny ask, "How you feelin' babydoll?" I knew I made the right choice. So in the beginning it was kinda slow as everyone didn't really show up until later but Mel, Tess, and Emily greeted me with wide open arms - literally. Tess ran and hugged me tightly and Mel did after and so did Emily. My friends - I need them all. Rob was around me a lot too to make sure I was okay since I seemed kinda out of it and at one point I needed to take a few minutes nap to get back to focus. Rob took me to Kimmie's room (Sorry Kim I really hope you don't mind!) and sat on the edge of the bed and stared at me with those blue eyes filled with worry, asking me CONSTANTLY if I was okay until I told him to shut up. So, he kissed me and left me to sleep. I slept for a little while, but when I went back down I saw everyone was getting in. Tommy was there, Jayne came eventually and so did Rob's other adventurous companion, TJ, who is absolutely AWESOME. Lol. I love it. I also loved the fact that Emily and I got to know each other more and just had fun talking..and it was kinda funny watching her get drunk XD. She had four shots of vodka and uh..a lemonade? I think. And a few sips of beer..or something. I only had one shot and then I found White Chocolate Liquor. Lmao, that had me. I wanted to drink the whole bottle but the Vodka made it not settle cause it was so creamy and my stomach was already kinda messed up. TJ and I were taking turns with that one though >.> Dude I wanna hang out with all three of them together man..Its gotta be hysterical. But, anyway, lessee...We played DDR and I wasn't bad at all...Despite my pants getting in the way. Oh and Ty came. Unfortunately. I clued Rob in on him and he seemed to be on guard and whenever Ty came near me - there was Rob. At one point I sat on his lap and he kept kissing my neck and cheek..and wrapping his arms around me..I almost cried with happiness. And randomly he'd just grab me to hug me or poke and tickle me..I needed it all. I LOVE HIM. And he told me after I went home, that he loved me too. It's almost four months and on the car ride home, Jean (His mom), Emily and Rob were all joking around when Em said that, "Jean's so cool - I wish she was my mom." He said, "It's because you're a guest." And then pointed to me. "And you're here too." And then Jean goes, "Well I don't see her as a guest anymore." Then Em said, "Yeah she's family." T-T HAPPY NEW YEARS...Until I got home. To celebrate I grabbed a can of Vanilla Cream soda and lit all the candles in my room for the first time, curled up in my bed and counted down with my Teddy. And then I fell alseep and here I am. I'm gonna go to the parade with them all later when they wake up, but in the mean time I think I'll make cupcakes.

(1 whisper | haunting melody) [31 Dec 2005|10:20am] [ mood | distressed ] Pre-warning to those who read this I'm not in my usual happy dandy mood..and I guess I know why and I feel like bitching to something. Thank you live journal. I hadn't updated for a while due to the fact that the past few days were boring. I went yesterday to Gamestop to apply and they all seemed to like me..John especially but that will never change. He said things like, "It's so wonderful to see you again!" "I missed seeing you and your pretty smile." I'm like, yeah, okay. I feel bad but he's not my type. And..I don't like him that way. I'm really satisfied, happy, and filled with love with my Rob. I don't want anyone else. I don't need anyone else. I was supposed to go to the mall yesterday with Gia but I didn't because she had other things to do, which is fine - I don't mind. I just wonder if you can charge to a gift card when ordering online..-Ponder.- I'll look into it. The following may sound depressing, psychotic, overdramatic and all around basic girl mood swing. Do not pay attention unless something catches your attention. Thank you and have a nice day. I need to cry. I feel like crap. I hate my family. We're going through this bunch of shit due to, 'Oh your grandfather is turning 80! He needs a party blah blah blah. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Neither does my grandmom. None of the rest of those dipshit jersey assholes understand what this man does to us. How he torments and threatens us constantly. He threatened my grandmother god knows how many fucking times with throwing things at her but thank God I'm not around to see it or him actually going through with it. If I see him really do it I'll fuck this asshole up myself - grandfather or not - because no one touches my mother. NO ONE. And all this aggrivation because "we need a cake" we'll bring it over right after we eat, talk, chat and then have cake at the house. This means we have to clean up the house, get out coffee, tea, silverwear and all that other mother fucking shit that my grandmom doesn't want to deal with. I don't either. They have fucking little cakes and ice cream at the Country Buffet so you assholes get satisfied there. Or bring the cake there smartass. Noooo. I really have the right mind to not go. Or just like take my grandmom and go somewhere else. I hate them all. Not to mention that he doesn't only threaten my grandmom but I'm constantly reminded how much of a slut or sleeze I am. Yes, I'm gay because I have earrings. Yes, when I stay out until 9 I'm fucking some random guy. Yes, I sleep over people's houses and screw everyone and get drunk just because I'm my mother's (real one) child. Mother fucker. No matter what I do, how I try so hard to please him, I can't win. I really can't win. And sure, okay, sure they're just words but it hurts after a while. It really does hurt. I can only take so much of this. I just want it to all stop..I can't take it anymore..I really can't take it anymore. I'm scared.. I'm so tired..just..drained to the point where I want to sleep..but that's probably because for the past week I barely slept at all. I keep thinking (BAD THING) and thinking about, 'god this is new years' which means I'm gonna go to college..if I get in and accepted. If I pass math..knlkdsgjkl Math..I can't do it too well but..I want to do it because I know its important but I'm afraid I'm going to fail. I want to walk down the isle and make my parents proud..not..not be able to graduate and go to summer school. I'm so petrified and no one understands. I can't miss anymore school. I just..I can't. I can't go to Anime Boston..I can't go to New York. I'll conserve for the summer or something because I need to pass. I can't fail. I can't be a failure..I just..I want to graduate..I thought it would be so easy..I thought it wouldn't be so hard..but why am I having a problem? Why?..WHY? I'm not this stupid. I know I'm not this stupid..or am I just fooling myself and maybe I am? Maybe I can't do it..I can't..be a failure.. I feel like going to my room now and crying into my pillow despite the fact that I'm already crying. I can't think straight..My head hurts..I just want to cry away into new years. God holidays suck.

(haunting melody) [29 Dec 2005|10:34am] [ mood | giddy ] Because I am bored, the result is the new background. That's mah teddy that Rob gave me ^^ Her name is Rose Red.

(4 whispers | haunting melody) [29 Dec 2005|08:02am] [ mood | indescribable ] Okay so yesterday was a little on the random side but still it was fun in all the same because I was with all of my dear friends - yay! And I saw Rob - YAY!!! Lol. I was supposed to go to the Shoprite with my mom to stock up on food but unfortuantely we didn't do that..and I'm left to salvage for grub on my own but I guess that's okay. I can live on Subway and uh Burger King salads I suppose O.o I've been eating rather crappy canned soups too ._. Food? What is real food? e.e But anyway, so since that was shot I took a walk to Gamestop and grabbed an application..and now am searching for references. I have one and I thought of another but I have to get in contact with her some how..Arg. God damn it. I need a fucking job. I'm this close to actually applying to this cafe near my house even though the owner's a bitch - its still fucking money, you know? But anyway, so after that I spent the day or a couple hours with Gia at the store and traded rather belated Christmas gifts. She gave me a Jack wristband n.n! And a beautifully scented candle. She loves her fudge and so did everyone who came in that she gave a piece to. George, Gia's mother's boyfriend, said I should sell it at the store XD Or some of my things that I make. I'm like, "Uh okay." But I don't think he was serious. The pretzel's came out pretty damn tasty too even though it was just a pretzel dipped in chocolate. o.o' So after spending time with Gia, I went home with the intention to uh..occupy myself some way or another..I forget. I think I was going to make my mom some homemade soft diebetic pretzels that she likes so much. I form the dough into various shapes for amusement purposes and she enjoys them since she can snack on them without worry too too much about sugar and such. However, just as I was about to walk out and mail some letters, my phone rings and -insert triumph music- Rob calls. He asks what I was doing and if I wanted to go to South Street with him. Apparently he was better..it amazes me how he gets better so fast and it takes me a week ~~ But yeah so he came around and we exchanged gifts. The hat fits ^o^ And he liked the teddy bear. Every holiday/special moment, it'll gain something as a token of my love. The funny part too was that he got me a very very soft pretty teddy bear. Its red and..really soft @.@ I can sleep with it hugging it tight. No one ever really got me a stuffed animal before..like relationship wise. Its so.. pretty and it has blue eyes. ^^ And that wasn't even my real gift, lol. He got me Anne Rice's new novel, Christ Out of Egypt which I will start ASAP to read. Emily was there and so was Tommy but we all went to South Street and just hang around, wandered and such and so forth. In the beginning I'll admit it that I was somewhat jealous of Emily sleeping over Rob's house and being around him. I mean, okay, another 16 year old single girl sleeping in my boyfriend's house. My mom even questioned me if I was okay with it..So did Tommy. And I guess..I just get paranoid because I love him so much that I don't want him to be taken away. But, this was when I first heard it..and I was thinking about it for a while and after I remember what he told me from before and how he held me that night and...last night how he was so concerned about me even though he was the one previously sick..No. I trust him. I trusted him so much that I told him I loved him and that's how I really feel. I don't need to worry because he even told Emily that I was that girl he wanted to get to know and get closer too. If he told her that I was the one that captured his attention and interest after watching me various times in the hall and pointing me out to people when I was on South Street and running to my rescue when I was upset when he didn't have to..I have every little bit of faith in him. I trust him with my heart and I know it won't be broken. In other news XD My throat hurts..eheh..erm..And I NEED TO GET FOOD IN THE HOUSE. I have to go to Acme and stock up on shit to eat. No wonder why I'm so thin. Geez. ..... I want Rob ToT -Squishes teddy bear.-

(3 whispers | haunting melody) [27 Dec 2005|06:49pm] [ mood | happy ] Yesterday was amazing. Sorta. Well, lemme explain. In the morning, I went with Gia to the mall and we spent the whole entire day together. I had so much fun and I missed her so much..I got a bunch of things and Hot Topic had like everything 50% off so I got a pants for half the price and tapers for my ears. And a few other things. It was just awesome being with her again. We're gonna hang out again Friday. But the big ordeal that happened was when I came home - my dad threw a fit again. And I couldn't go to the party then a lot of other things happened and I just started crying and flipping out. Hadn't slept longer than three hours for a few nights and I just had it. So after I calmed down I decided to call Rob since I promised to and when I did..I started crying again. This is how it went: Him : "Heeey" Me : "..Hi.." Him : "..What's wrong?" Me : "..-Starts crying- Everything..just everything." Him : "Are you home?" Me : "..Yeah.." Him : "I'll be right over." Me : "What? Rob - no. Don't." Him : "Shh. I'll be on my way. -Hang up-" Five minutes later the van pulls up at the end of the street, he gets out and literally runs down the street to my step and pulls me into his arms tightly. He rubs my back, kisses my head and trys to calm me down. I tell him how I felt and he's just holding me and just..god. I turn away saying, "..I'm a mess. My makeup must be everywhere." And he smiles so sweetly and says, "Who do you have to impress?" And..I start crying agan XD And then he goes "Hey hey - I'm not leaving until you stop crying and smile." So we spend an hour huddling in my blanket on my step just being held and talking. And then I notice his hair is black O.o so he dyed it and looks oh so emo yet adorable. And..yeah..he left after he got me to smile..and..-^^- I wanted to tell him I love him but I'm going to wait till I give him his gift. Unfortunately, he calls me today and says in a really crappy voice, "Promise you won't get mad?" I said no, and he said he got sick XD We kissed yesterday and he warned me that he wasn't feeling fine and dandy as usual...my poor darling. I warned him yesterday to leave but noooo. I feel bad as if it was somewhat my fault but..-Sigh.- It's movie-esque. He sounded like he was about to cry on the phone because he barely got to spend any time with me so far. I told him I'm not going anywhere but he was still worried about me. This boy is..just..beyond words..I really really do love him.

(haunting melody) [25 Dec 2005|08:12pm] [ mood | exhausted ] New layout - yay! Sleepy Hollow inspired - yay!

(1 whisper | haunting melody) [25 Dec 2005|11:41am] [ mood | happy ] Yesterday was a lovely Christmas Eve dinner. Simple, nothing too elaborate and just very pleasent to spend time with my mom and dad. Today's the same, except I think I'm getting sick-er again. My mom got sick and now I'm getting sick again from her since I woke up more congested than I was yesterday..u.u God damn it! Grrrr..Oh well My dad emailed me yesterday and I emailed him back and this is was his response: I would like to be able to talk to you, If it doesn't cause any problem. I am very proud that you have turned out so well. I wish I was able to be a bigger part of your life. But that was an agreement that your mom and I had made. I understand that none of the small gifts I have gotten for you was necessary, But in a small way I can be a part of your life. ~~ What bull. If you really wanted to be a part of my life, why did you walk out on me in the first place? Leaving me with my drunken drug-addict mother. But I'm sure $30 is a reasonable compensation price, right? Not like I'm arguing over the money, I mean, hell I need it just as much as the next person, but it doesn't solve the past broken pieces. Oh best thing happened. I was talking about my cousin with my mom who didn't come yesterday but is coming tomorrow..and I won't be home (hehe). However, her boyfriend is wigger central with "bling-bling" earrings that look utterly ridiculous. And my mom said, "Well I'm just happy that Rob doesn't have ridiculous earrings and he's ten times better looking than her boyfriend." XD I'm like, right on! But he only wants to get a tattoo on his arm of his family crest. Then she said, "He can get as many as he wants, I don't care; tattoos are nothing." I'm like Hmm.. "Well he doesn't want too many and I was just thinking of getting one more of a cross since you know my thing about crosses and roses." She asked where I said on my left shoulder blade and she said okay. I was like O.o!? Really?! She said sure, why not, but I won't go with you XD It'll be my 18th present! I died. My mom kicks ass. She just doesn't want it to big or elaborate and I said it'd be just like my cross and she agreed. So I'm doing my hair..and I guess that's it for now. Oh and by request, I shall post a picture of Rob. This is us at the ring dance..I smile like a retard when someone makes me laugh and he's infamous for running from cameras. Gia is amazing because she got this picture PERFECTLY. And I gotta change this background, now, must wash my hair out.

(1 whisper | haunting melody) [24 Dec 2005|09:51am] [ mood | happy ] Yesterday I ended up spending the day with Rich or at last until around sixish. We had a lot of fun and he got me an awesome present. We bought each other gifts, I got him a oricana and he got me a Corpse Bride t-shirt. Tis so purdiful. I couldn't find tapers but when I go to the mall I'd get them. I got Gia and Sarah some little thing too. So I got them the Sephora cards, mini spa kits and I'm making them fudge or at least Gia. I gotta see if I can get to Acme and if they're open tomorrow. Problem I only have one fudge pan but that's okay. I can buy a disposable one or something. I'm making Gia's mom chocolate covered pretzels and if I can't make fudge for Sarah, I'll make her some other candy. I can create various things from scratch.. Whew, I'm pooped. I just mopped the kitchen floor, changed the rugs cleaned the bathroom, sweeped the floor and I gotta run upstairs and change and clean my room and then cook dinner and wrap presents later. I'm gonna do something secret for my mom..ehehe. I love being devious XD. I guess that's it. Monday I'm going with Gia to get Rob his second present. And then when I see him I'll give it to him. He's going to be hanging with a friend from Florida who's coming over for the holidays. I was a little worried in the beginning, but I keep thinking about what he said to me that one night..And all the times we spend together and how he acts with me..I'm not afraid. I'm waiting to tell him when I give him his present those words. I call him love, and I say "wuv" but I really want to tell him because I really..really do feel that way with him. He's my sweetheart And I hope he feels the same way too..I really do. Plus I'm gonna take a lot of medicine to get rid of my cold as soon as possible so I can get mistletoe and..>.> Well its not like we don't already but XD I guess that's it..Yeah, I emailed back my dad who emailed me about stuff. I don't know why I bothered but meh. Happy Chrismachanukwanzaka everyone~!

(2 whispers | haunting melody) [23 Dec 2005|11:32am] [ mood | blah ] I'm back again. This may seem out of the blue but for the last few days I've been wanting to update my journa so I decided to start today - the eve before the eve of Christmas..Heh. But for those of you who don't read this anymore, or stopped checking, please start checking again because I'm going to update for frequently - This beith my New Years resolution. To update you, Rob and I have been going out for three months and two weeks and I'm really serious about this guy..He's everything I'm looking for on various levels and I'm not afraid of him nor to talk to him up front. Therefore, I think it'll last long - but I'm not going to jix this because my longest was five months - this has to go beyond five months. I got accepted into Immaculata University and have a grant for them, plus I'm going to get Final Aid. However, I don't think I'm going there because my mom doesn't want me to travel that far from home and back (I'm commuting..I have to for various reasons). SO, I"m going to apply to and, hopefuly, try to get accepted into the Art Institute of Philadelphia to get a degree in culinary arts. Its the second of my two passions - why not? I absolutely LOVE cooking and baking. I'm still baking for Christmas and I've already made a shit load of things. I'm now working on making candies and yummy confections instead of cookies for a variation on things. I'm flunking math due to being constantly sick and missing work a lot. Usually I get sick majorly once per year, but there was the prior month ago fever infection and this time was a sinus infection which I am currently combating. Otherwise my grades are straight 90+s, as expected. Fucking math took my first honors away but that's okay. I know I'll still be in a good rank due to my upper grades. Today I'm spending the day with Gia and Rich on various time slots while feeling as if my head's in the clouds, lol. I'm so congested and clogged that I feel like I'm floating or high. But I'm gonna go to the mall with Gia at some point and have Thai for lunch with Rich...yes, Rich. He called me everyday when he was home when I was sick. I..like the attention and I like talking to him. We want to see Memiors of a Geisha so we'll see it together, I think. He said he wanted to at some point, I'll ask him today. But I can do more Christmas shopping~ Since I have money now (my money) and yesh. I think that's it for the most part. I swear that I shall continue to update. Really, I mean it!

(haunting melody) [16 Oct 2005|07:22pm] [ mood | exhausted ] Long time no see. Yes, I didn't die. I've been just in isolation and quaratine for the past week or so. Why? Stomach flu. Oh yes, mucho grande fun. Eating..and vomiting and not being able to move out of bed due to a 100+ fever. Missing a week of school, tests..blah blah. The only good part is that Rob visited me every single entire day until I was better..even today he wanted to come by but Mom isn't in a good mood so its a no no. I went out yesterday but I had to come home early since I felt like I was about to collapse from exhaustion and weak feeling. He even offered to carry me home..or argued with me, in trying to let him carry me. I refused..I won't resort to something like that unless under extreme circumstances. I lost about five pounds from being sick and now being underweight..I can't do too much without growing extremely tired. I'm gradually reisntating the lost weight..I've just lost much of my appetite, even my mom noticed. Rob said he'll feed me to get everything back..Heh. I don't doubt this guy..he's..amazing. He'll do absolutely everything and anything for me..I can talk to him a lot more now and I feel so comfortable and right with him. Last Saturday we spent the day together - him, me, and his friend Tom. It was wonderful..and then we saw Gia later that night. And hung out for a little while with Sarah too~ I'll try to update more this week, since I'm rather tired right now I don't feel like continuing..and there really isn't much to continue anyway. Just that Gia and I have a date next weekend, as does Rob and I too. Halloween Dance coming up - all set with my veil. It looks so pretty. Annnd that's all I feel like typing.. Later

(haunting melody) [28 Sep 2005|09:33pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Cut Up Angels by The Used ] Wow, what a week so far. I've been piled on by homework and tests - blah. But its almost done and over with and my fun-filled weekend shall commence with my darling sweetheart and my bestest friends. <3 Friday - Dinner and drinks with my baby and some of his friends. Saturday - Unclear, but I want to get my hair done at the least. I think it would be better this way, so I don't wash my hair. I just won't put anything in it for the day and I can go in my PJs when I wake up after breakfast. And then maybe later if we can, Rob and I will go out. Sunday - I proposed the idea of girls day with Sarah. She's for it that we make dinner at Gia's house and watch movies and be pigs by eating fattening sweets. Wonderful. I finally came to a decision upon whom I shall dress up as for Halloween; my version of the Corpse Bride. And for Halloween itself, I'm going to Dracula's Ball with Rob, so I'll be a vampire too. Teehee. Two for the price of one. Oh and if Gia's going to have a dress up party, then I'll be the Corpse Bride there too. Oh and Gia suggested Mexico for our senior trip. I was like, "Uh..hm..okay." So must look into that further. From the pictures on expedia, it's very very beautiful and I think it would be an interesting experience. Lessee if there's anything else. Ring Dance is coming closer, along with Ring Mass, Masquerade, birthday parties - geez! Lol. Senior year is sure going to be memorable. I'm tired now and I'm gonna head to bed..Nighters~

(haunting melody) [25 Sep 2005|01:17pm] [ mood | cranky ] I feel better e.e..God I'm so fucking melodramatic and emotional X.x

(haunting melody) [25 Sep 2005|12:46pm] [ mood | depressed ] I woke up this morning sorta okay. I listened to some music and then I went downstairs to eat breakfast..and then I started talking to my mom about random things. I started thinking..just randomly sinking into deep trails of thought and then deeper I go, I start thinking about things and I just end up falling into an emotional break down. I just started crying uncontrollably before running to my room and curling up in my bed, searching somewhat in my head upon why I was crying so much. Food..diet..boys. And I think that's when I found an answer. Last night I was on the PC since I had nothing to do. Rob went down the shore and I explained that whole entire thing and that guy came on and started talking to me. You know, the 26 something or another year old guy who thought I was interested into him ~~ I wasn't in a good mood so I told him a little bluntly I have a boyfriend whom I like a lot and I'm not interested and that you should have had the common sense that we couldn't ever possibly be together due to the age difference. I didn't even feel bad. The second thing was a little while later, another guy came on who asked me out the year previously, and I told him no. And ever since then when he finds out I'm not with someone, he asks me again. I told him I have a boyfriend..whom I like very much ~~ And leave me alone. And I think that got me into wondering. When I was 80 pounds heavier, no one seemed interested. Transformed me - hello sexy gothic chick, can I take you for a ride? It bothers me. And..I'm going to start crying again but meh. The sheer thought of that fucker still bothers me because I know I was played and I hate myself for being such a moron to fall for it. I was used and trashed and it hurts. And I'm finally going to admit that I'm scared of it happening again. On one side, I know Rob seems so COMPLETELY different. He seems more..pure and genuine. I'm just utterly afraid of getting crushed again because I really like Rob. If I hadn't said that for the millionth time already. When he held me, I was so happy because he held onto me so firm like as if he didn't want to let me go. He wants it to go right and he's trying..but I feel as if I'm resisting to give him my all because there's that lingering fear. I'm waiting for him to get online or call..even though I should call him but I don't want to bother him. I always hate calling people with the fear of bothering them ~~ I just want to talk to him..I found myself saying last night that I miss him. I miss his hugs..but I don't really feel up to going out or have the strength to drag myself outside. I just want this to be it. I want him to end my searching for the other half. I'm tired of getting repeatedly broken. I really am. Please, let him save me from my continuous crying.

(haunting melody) [24 Sep 2005|07:13pm] [ mood | happy ] Weee~ Yesterday was our (Rob and me) first solo movie/date. We went to see The Corpse Bride which is an awesome movie. Tim Burton did it again, as usual. And Danny Elfman created yet another fabulous music score. I love the one song Emily sings..I almost cried it was so pretty. It was something along the lines of "If I touch a burning candle I can feel the pain, if you cut me with a knife its still the same. And I know her heart is beating and I know that I am dead. But the pain that I feel, try and tell me its not real, and it seems I still have a tear to shed. " I'm like "T-T Omg so pretty." It makes it even better that a maggot and black widow spider sing along with her. XD It's great. You laugh and cry at the same time..I want to see it again. I really do. I need some more recruits to come along with me. But anyway, prior to the movie, we went to the Halloween Adventure Store and browsed around. I think I'll be a fallen angel instead because the pretty black/red angel wings are cheaper than the black fae wings. I think it would match the blood color lipstick better anyway. But then we went to grab something to eat at Burger King and then went to the movie..and then afterwords we walked and talked. We talked about our family and I told him about my mom..and as I was telling him he instinctively latched onto my hand and began rubbing my skin with his thumb comfortingly like. And then he told me about his dad. It seems we both had bad experiences..and now we have each other. As we waited for his mom to come pick us up, he held me close and ran his fingers through my hair and we just..talked..I liked that n.n He called me today asking me to spend the night down the shore with him. I'm like whoa that's a little fast. My mom even said so but I would have done it if my parents would let me spend the night over someone's house. He sounded really disappointed but in a sense I'm kinda glad I didn't..not yet anyway. I'm not ready to do something like that. I'm still..nervous..afraid I guess? We haven't even been going out for a week..maybe I am a little over cautious..-Sigh- I just..want to take it slow and one day at a time. Plus he's coming home tomorrow morning anyway and we'll spend the whole day together anyway~ So I'll still see him. Plus, I was able to make chocolate chunk cookies. ^^ I haven't lost my touch. And I also fell back to 110..So everything is totally okay again..yay! P.S. If anyone wants The Corpse Bride Soundtrack, IM me for the link.

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